/int/ - International

I've been reading KC for a while now, and a lot of it has resonated with my personal experience. I never thought much about how my mother's later marriage affected me, but now I'm starting to see just how deeply it did. My parents split when I was 7, and my dad ended up going back to China. My mother remarried a white man when I was 9, and honestly that fucked me up. I know my mother has unresolved PTSD and most likely has some combination of personality disorders from growing up in rural China, and my stepfather also has some kind of autism, maybe assburgers. I think I started to see myself as white since the majority of my family became white, and my mother's decision implicitly taught me that white men are more powerful and desirable than Asian men. The literal act of divorcing my father and remarrying an American man was HORRIBLE for my Asian identity growing up. One time I asked my mother's husband for a pasta maker for christmas. He slanted his eyes with his hands and said in bad asian accent if I want to start a noodle restaurant. I avoided other Asian kids growing up, felt ashamed about my race, tried to fit in with the white kids instead of the Asian kids. I also felt incredibly entitled too, and definitely was not socialized correctly by growing up in a loving and emotionally supportive environment. I actually thought my parents' divorce was my fault until I was 23 since my parents never bothered to explain to me the situation. I also definitely have some personality disorders myself, and am mentally unwell. I've been racist my entire life (feeling superior to black and latinos and other minorities), sexist, have been attracted to red pill ideologies. My closest friend in college was a white trump supporter. My first relationship was with a white man where I emulated race play with him. I even used to masturbate to gay white-asian porn webms on ylilauta. Now that I'm almost 24, I look back at my life and really believe that my mother remarrying into a white family totally fucked up my Asian identity, and I've struggled my entire life to integrate both American and Chinese cultural identities. I have a lot of regrets about the decisions I've made relationship wise, and I feel like I've spent my entire life attempting to pander to the white race. Yeah, I got into a good university and yeah, I can make money and my circles run wealthy (read: Asian and white), and yeah I'm an American citizen, but I've never felt more depressed in my life. I actually feel like I've never felt truly loved and I've never had a real friend that understands me. I think it's time for me to live for myself and my real friends and just do whatever the fuck I want instead of trying to dress myself up for white people to just consume and shit me out. I will never, ever be with a white person ever again and will work to fight racism for the rest of my life.

Anyways, if this resonates with you (especially if you are also a Chinese American immigrant male who went through a similar situation), I'd love to hear your thoughts.